Lexi starts 'school' in less than a week and I have a ton of emotions about it flowing through me (warning, this post may ramble a bit). I am excited and anxious for her to meet new friends and learn. While school clothes shopping today, Lexi saw a little boy (about a year old than her) said, "Hi Baby," hugged him, and tried to kiss him. Lexi loves kids and I am excited for her to be around kids her age, twice a week. She is learning a lot at home, but she will learn even more at school. The curriculum FBM uses is wonderful! I am sad. I am sad because Lexi will be away from me. This "letting go" stuff is really hard. I tear up thinking about how much I will miss her during those 10 hours per week. I feel blessed. I am fortunate that I am able to stay home with Lexi and only send her to school because we are choosing to, not because we have to. I am scared. I am scared she's not going to understand why. Why did we leave her with people she doesn't know? What if she thinks we are never going to come back? I hate seeing Lexi cry because she is sad or hurt. I don't want her to think we are hurting her by leaving. I don't want her to cry from sadness because we are not there. I don't want her to feel hurt that her parents are not there to comfort her while she is sad. It is my promise as a mother to make my little girl feel protected and safe at all costs. I know Lexi will learn to love school and will be okay, but not for one moment do I want Lexi to feel alone, sadness, scared, or confused. I wish she understood. I tell her all the time about school and that I will always come to pick her up. She says, "ok," but I know she doesn't know what I am talking about. I want her to know I will feel sadness because I will be away from her too. I want her to know I will always be there to pick her up. I want her to know that we made the decision for her to go to school because we love her. I just want her to know there won't be one minute during those 10 hours that I am not thinking about her or loving her with my whole heart.
Sometimes when life seems hard, sad, or stressful, I like to just stop for a moment and find something happy or peaceful. This evening, Lexi and I were driving home and we noticed the beautiful sunset. I stopped so we could take a picture on my phone. When I look at the sky and it looks like this, it makes me think of the loved ones we have lost and are now in Heaven. Instead of feeling sadness, I feel comfort they are in their forever home in the arms of Jesus. I'm thankful to have to ability to remember and the faith to feel comfort. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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